RFK Jr. Drops Out Of Presidential Race After Learning What Happened To RFK Sr.
On Monday, RFK Jr. announced he would step down as the Independent Party’s presidential nominee, in a decision heavily influenced by learning what happened to RFK Sr.
4 min read
Forecast: Your Single Vote Decides The Election
After consulting Nate Silver, ignoring his answer, and crunching the numbers ourselves, the Times has determined that your vote will single handedly decide this year’s presidential election.
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This Conga Line Was Heading Toward A Cliff. That’s When I Knew I Needed To Stop Partying.
I had always enjoyed partying, but I knew someday this habit might turn for the worse.
6 min read
Is Nepotism Dead? I Paid My Son $300K To Investigate.
Some claim that nepotism is alive and well in America. I was unable to determine whether this was the case for myself, so I asked my son to investigate.
4 min read
Nation’s Toddlers Reveal Long-Term Plot To Grow Into Adults And Take American Jobs
On Sunday, the nation’s leading toddlers released a statement outlining a long-term plot to grow into adults and replace the American workforce.
4 min read
Op-ed: I’m not living in my parent’s garage. I’m in my Cottagecore Shedmaxxing Era.
Though I had long planned to live in my parents’ two-car garage after graduation, a 15-second TikTok clip recently inspired me to change my ways.
6 min read
We Decided To Embrace Clickbait. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next.
To adapt to a changing media landscape, the Times has updated its guidelines to embrace clickbait. What happened next will shock you.
4 min read
Inventor Of Peekaboo Dies In Relative Obscurity
The inventor of Peekaboo passed in the ICU in relative obscurity, suffocating under his own hands.
5 min read
Misunderstood Free-thinker Looks Directly At Eclipse
At 4:42PM on Saturday, March 30, local iconoclast Trent Bugs stared directly into the solar eclipse with his naked eyes.
2 min read
Modern Thrifting: Gen-Z Discovers Stealing Clothes From The Dryer
First they discovered vinyl. Then they discovered film cameras. Now, Gen-Z is coming for your freshly dried clothes.
2 min read
March Enthusiasts Saddened But Unsurprised By Arrival of April
In a precedented move, automated calendar systems switched from March 31 to April 1 last night. Across the country, fans of the Gregorian calendar’s famed third month found themselves disappointed, but not entirely surprised.
2 min read
How This Fish With Magical Powers Could Decide the 2024 Election
In the cutthroat world of electoral politics, perhaps no figure occupies a more prominent role than Aquaceum, a fish with magical powers that resides in a shining crystal pool in the National Mall.
4 min read
In Latest Gaffe, Biden Reaches For Ice Cream From Turkish Ice Cream Cone Man
Disaster struck last Tuesday, as President Biden’s diplomatic trip to Turkey was completely derailed following an embarrassing gaffe on the streets of Istanbul.
3 min read
Op-ed: Gen Z Cannot Be ‘Caught Lacking’ At The Polls
6 min read
