We Decided To Embrace Clickbait. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next.

To adapt to a changing media landscape, the Times has updated its guidelines to embrace clickbait. What happened next will shock you.

“Obama Dead,” announced A. B. Sleazeburger, publisher of the Times, “is a headline we would now consider running.” Facing pushback from the old, new, and future guards, Sleazeburger clarified: “It’s a commentary on his embrace of crony capitalism and his betrayal of the liberal movement. The article would be quite nuanced. Not the headline, though.”

Other publishers hate this one weird trick. “It feels like cheating,” commented F. G. Looples, creator of watchfreemoviesonline.bizz. “How can my site differentiate itself now that The New York Times can tell people about all the hot singles in their area?”

Internet data reveals that clickbait success rates on other sites have fallen dramatically ever since The Times has made clickbait boring, once again placing us firmly on the right side of history.