Trump Disqualified From 2024 Olympics Gymnastics Team For 137 Counts of Treason

MINNEAPOLIS—At Team USA gymnastics tryouts, former president Donald Trump was disqualified from the 2024 Team for 137 counts of treason against the nation.

In the men's horizontal bar, Trump performed a graceful triple backflip—the first ever in the event. A master of the uneven bars, he was able to elegantly maneuver throughout the set, topping it off with a perfect landing. However, all of his hard work was for nothing as he was disqualified for inciting an insurrection, conspiring to interfere with an election, and committing various other acts of treason.

The judges felt that their disqualification was on fair grounds, as various real legal courts also ruled that Trump had committed these acts. However, some textualist gymnasts argue that a criminal status should be irrelevant when assembling the perfect gymnastics team.

“Trump practiced hard these past four years, and he sure as hell earned that spot. Guys like him shouldn’t be disqualified over some little thing they did in the past,” shared Trump’s gymnastics coach, a piece of driftwood.

Trump will not be moving onto the Olympics, but he will still make appearances at regionals in the post-season. He hopes to one day be president.