Putin Wins Elvis Lookalike Contest, All Other Contestants Dead

LAS VEGAS—On Saturday, Russian president Vladimir Putin claimed victory in an Elvis lookalike contest after all the other contestants mysteriously died.

“This is such a surprise,” said Vladimir Putin, in a statement broadcast remotely from the Kremlin. “I want to thank The Palazzo Inn & Suites for recognizing my uncanny similarity to Elvis.”

While his tribute to the King of Rock n’ Roll was reportedly lackluster, and difficult to judge from 6,000 miles away, judges still had to rule in favor of Putin on technicality.

“The evening was meant to be a fun time with singing and dancing—a celebration of rock n’ roll history. It’s a shame that everyone died in a series of unrelated gruesome accidents, evenly spread over the course of the show,” spoke one judge.

The warning signs of a Putin victory were there from the start. “Whoaaaa mama, this hotel water tastes kinda funny,” remarked the first performer before going on. After interjecting multiple verses of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” to say he was dizzy, he passed out delivering the final note of “Suspicious Minds.”

A variety of behind-the-curtain injuries and ailments took the lives of many Elvis lookalikes. By the end of the evening, judges decided they’d need another day to reflect on the tragedy and report a winner.

That night, evidence indicates one Elvis lookalike left his hotel room at 3AM and drove two hours into the Nevada desert. He dug a very big hole, wrapped himself in a Russian flag, and shot himself in the head 14 times. Leading Elvis experts are confounded.

The final challenger, the world-renowned “Carbon Copy” of Elvis, died later that night on the toilet due to heart complications. He was 42 years old.