How This Fish with Magical Powers Could Decide the 2024 Election

In the cutthroat world of electoral politics, perhaps no figure occupies a more prominent role than Aquaceum, a fish with magical powers that resides in a shining crystal pool in the National Mall. The nature of its powers is well-known among D.C. insiders, but the voting public at large knows little about this elusive aquatic animal, and fewer still understand the role it plays in our nominally democratic electoral process. Blessed by an ancient goddess with control over the seas and the raging ocean winds, Aquaceum has so far remained neutral in the current presidential race, with both parties engaging in a frantic battle for the fish’s support.

Critics have decried the fish’s influence over both major parties as a sign of the out-of-touch, elitist politics of Washington, but such criticisms ignore the more pressing, legitimate issues with the fish. Democrats have criticized the fish’s role in causing the great tempests that have ravaged California since time immemorial, while Republicans critics have claimed that Aquaceum has ‘gone woke’, rendering its use of magical powers subject to bias.

President Biden was spotted bringing offerings of crumbled egg yolk and chopped peas to the fish’s pool as a gesture of humility, in an attempt to counterbalance Donald Trump’s previous rapport with the fish. Earlier this year, Trump kneeled before the fish’s pool while chanting a sacred spell, before proceeding to dip his face into the water so as to commune with the fish directly. After speaking to the fish for several minutes, he emerged dripping from the pool, with this to report: “Aquaceum foretells that a great storm will come from the East, a powerful hurricane, and we must all prepare for times of great pestilence and famine.” Analysts agree that this would undermine President Biden’s plan to boost economic growth, and the Re-Elect Biden campaign has declared a pilgrimage to the various shrines and sites sacred to the fish in an attempt to curry its favor.

What does this mean for John Q. Public? It remains to be seen, although voters are advised to be wary of nymphs, naiads, and any other supernatural water spirits attempting to sway their decision in the voting booth.