March Enthusiasts Saddened But Unsurprised By Arrival of April

In a precedented move, automated calendar systems switched from March 31 to April 1 last night. Across the country, fans of the Gregorian calendar’s famed third month found themselves disappointed, but not entirely surprised.

“I knew it was going to happen, but some small part of me still hoped that it wouldn’t,” said John B. Pisces, moderator of the “Magical March” Discord server and owner of three March-themed snow globes. Pisces, who was born in July, cites his mother as his main inspiration for loving March. “Her name was April, and she was a real piece of work,” he scoffed while tearing the March page off of a National Parks-themed wall calendar.

Some March lovers are more fervent. For a growing sect of radical Marchists, the end of March signals another year of toil and sin. “The messiah will rise on March 32,” proclaimed Marchist leader John “March” Anderson from atop a shopping cart outside a CVS.

Though March fans will continue to yearn for next year’s 3/1, they can take solace in April’s shortness compared to its slightly older relative. “Just 30 days until I’m one month closer to last month,” added Pisces, a hopeful glimmer in his eye.