Sixteen-Hour Filibuster Actually Makes Great Point

When Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman stood up to speak on a routine government spending bill, tensions were low, as the bill commanded unanimous support on both sides of the aisle. As his speech began to drag on, however, onlookers quickly realized that he was attempting to filibuster the bill. A ruckus arose on the Senate floor as virtually every member of the Senate began shouting at him to stop talking. He was undeterred, however, and continued to read from the extraordinarily long shopping list he had brought with him.

All seemed lost for the attempted filibuster until he began to start a dramatic reading of a high fantasy young-adult novel he had been writing in his spare time, at which point the mood changed dramatically.

“At first I thought the characters were shallow, one-dimensional caricatures of teenage attitudes towards authority,” reported Lisa Murkowski, senior Senator from Alaska, “but as we were drawn deeper into the kingdom of Albathia, struggling under the rule of a brutal warlord seeking to outlaw love forever, even I began to pay attention.” The timeless, touching tale of teenagers fighting injustice and learning a little something about themselves in the process struck a chord for many of the senators, and many aides were left in tears after the climactic final battle in which the noble Teresias sacrificed his own life to save the woman he loved. Sixteen hours in, Fetterman finally reached the end, and had hardly closed the book before the entire Senate was on their feet, clamoring for him to tell them what happened next. Fetterman shot a wry grin, and immediately launched into The Swords of Love and Destiny: Part Two, to enormous applause.

“Fetterman has found a deeply magical way to convey great truths about love, about friendship, and about kindness,” weeped Tom Cotton, junior Senator from Arkansas, “I’ve learned something deeply important here tonight.” Fetterman’s novel is believed to only be the beginning of a ten-volume saga, which is expected to occupy the Senate entirely in the coming weeks.

Unfortunately, the filibuster of the government spending bill has resulted in a complete government shutdown due to a lack of funding, leading many government workers to protest outside Congress. The Senate is undeterred, however. Senator Bernie Sanders provided important perspective on the matter: “Like the Alabaster Sorcerer when his tower was being besieged by vicious orcs, sometimes we must remain strong to discover the truest lessons in life.”